ONE NIGHT IN CHINA - 1 NIGHT IN CHYNA
I'll be the first to admit that I know DICK about wrestling. No, wait...that's being generous. I know LESS THAN DICK about wrestling. I mean, I can identify some of the more obvious characters, simply because I have seen them in magazines, television, or in the radio studio from time to time. That's about the extent of my wrestling knowledge though.
Kind of hard to do when the rights to everything that made you famous don't belong to you, lady.
So, in true 'I used to be famous so I'm releasing a porn video' form, Miss Joanie Laurer and the folks at Red Light District, ... who brought us the infamous Paris Hilton Video - titled '1 Night In Paris'... have decided to release 1 Night In China. This home video-turned-porn DVD was taped while Laurer, then known as Chyna, and her boyfriend, Sean Waltman, also known as X-Pac, were on a trip in...you guessed it, China. (See, the WWE owns all the rights to the name 'Chyna', so she can't market the video with that name or make any money off it now that she's not working for Vince McMahon anymore)
Is THAT supposed to be sexy? Oof.
As far as home porno video goes, I have to give Waltman credit for having a somewhat steadier camera than Tommy Lee did when he shot his home movies with Pamela. At it's core, 1 Night In China is basically a honeymoon video. A loving couple, playing dress-up and humping all over the place. This loving couple just happens to be huge and muscle-bound. You see Waltman seeing the sights (Tiananmen Square, The Great Wall of China) Joanie trying on outfits, doing a little striptease...and oh yeah, blowing her boyfried.
Imagine THAT coming at you in the bedroom.
As far as the sex goes, these two are as horny as any athletic couple...who are madly in love... locked in a hotel room...and jacked up on performance enhancing suubstances. You have to hand it to Joanie/Chyna/Whatever; she keeps herself in amazing shape. Well, at least she did for the duration of this video. 1 Night In China actually puts to rest any confusion I had about those jacked-up female bodybuilders I see on cable every so often...Have they killed off their sexual appetites with all of the working out? In Laurer's case, apparently not. I should mention that while she has a number of very female characteristics, she has one not-so-female characteristic; the clit. Oh MAN, her clit is big...and pierced, too. I have never been a fan of the enormous clitorous, but some guys are. Not me. No sir. X-Pac does a hell of a job chowing down on it though. He's a serious rug muncher, that's for sure. Dare I say, that if the Swedes were to give a Nobel Prize for eating box...Sean Waltman would get it. Joanie's deep-throating technique is really outstanding as well. It kind of makes you wonder what childhood deficiency she was trying to make up for when she developed those amazing knob-gobbling skills.
Oh, did I mention that Joanie loves ANAL? Yeah, the beefy Ms. Laurer takes one on the chin and up the pimpled keyster (yeah, it's got a lot of pimples on it) and gets the dumper love courtesy of her fella. The camera work is a little shakier during this part of the video, but it's definitely visibe ass sex going on.
Joanie's fanny is full of love in this shot.
In the official press release for 1 Night In China, Laurer says: "The video was something that my boyfriend and I taped for our own personal pleasure," explained Laurer. "However, when it got into an outside party's hands, I said, 'I'll make a preemptive strike and release the video myself.' Besides, I'm proud of my performance in the video and feel confident that my fans throughout the world will love it."
I don't know about you, but to me, this sounds like a load of shit. I think Joanie Laurer agreed to release this video in the hopes that she'd make a bloody fortune off the sale of it. I don't believe for a second that this was a "preemptive strike" against some slimy pornagrapher. She probably needs the cash, so she's hawking a video of herself getting cornholed. Hey, if I could make serious coin selling videos of myself taking it up the butt, I'd be all over it...however, I know that'll never happen, so I'll clunk about on this website and write reviews for people who DO.
Big Girl Gets Driled...
Despite some of my criticism, I was oddly amused by 1 Night In China, and I'd bet dollars to donuts you will be too.
If you ever see my type "dollars to donuts" again... please stomp on my crotch as hard as you can.
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